


Are You Sure You've Got The Right Guy?

by iamaba



Category: Bleach, Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: BAMF Kurosaki Ichigo, Casual Sex, Ichigo goes to london, Ichigo has magic, Ichigo is a sweetheart, Not Canon Compliant - Bleach Chapter 686 - Death & Strawberry, Sex as a means of therapy, THERE ARE POLYAMOROUS RELATIONSHIPS MENTIONED, Wink wink nudge nudge, [REST], and a wand, and give him hugs, author has had too much redbull, idk what im doing, im the author, lol dont trust me, pls be nice to him, this is a comedy of errors, trust me - Freeform, what even are these tags
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-18
Updated: 2019-02-03
Packaged: 2019-09-22 06:29:41
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,992
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17054909
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iamaba/pseuds/iamaba
Summary: See, Ichigo did get the mail. And the letter did tell him about the magic school of pigs and pimples. And his father and the entirety of the Gotei be damned, he did end up packing his stuff up and going all the way to London. But he still hasn't wrapped his head around all the facts.Why was there a kid in glasses and a permanent :/ face following him around? Why did that blonde kid glare at him so much every time sad emoji kid got near him? Why was Zangetsu (the insane one) cackling away so much? WHY WAS GRIMMJOW HERE?And perhaps, most importantly...Were these people absolutely sure that they had the right guy??





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is purely a work of fiction, and I'd genuinely be pissing myself if actual giant bone-covered monsters with holes in their bodies popped up to eat an orange haired Asian Guy with a permanent scowl and a sword thats waaay too big for physics to allow him to fight with it so well. Or if there was a school which taught magic, and I WASNT INVITED?!  
> I earn no profit from this, unless a sugar daddy wannabe sees this and thinks about sponsoring me. *coughplshelpmecough*  
> There has obviously been a few changes to the Bleach storyline, and relatively few changes to the HP storyline.  
> Lets see how our frustrated strawberry fares in this strange, new world now shall we? 
> 
>  
> 
> AAAAAAAAND ONWARDS!!

CHAPTER ONE: You've got... Mail?? 

 

* * *

 

 

Ichigo Kurosaki was many things, but a coward was not one of them. He’d been on the pointy side of far too many weapons. That is not to say that someone who’s fought a lot can’t be a coward. He could think of at least ten bullies whose asses he’d kicked this past week alone who were cowards with a capital C. They’d been trying to steal some poor kid’s money like the clichés they were and unfortunately they’d been interrupted by a very annoyed Ichigo and an even more annoyed Tatsuki. The latter had been trying to give Ichigo “The Talk” about Orihime and Ichigo had been running away. Not because he was a coward, mind you. But because this was a conversation that she should ideally be having with Ishida. But of course, Tatsuki had completely ignored whatever Ichigo had tried to explain and had tried to grab his head in a lock, only for Ichigo to (unfairly) use his rather superhuman speed to get out of it and make a break for it. This then led to a rather amusing chase around the neighbourhood, which had ended with them pulverizing the bullies because they’d been _frustrated_. Needless to say, the idiots had left the kid alone and had ran away like their asses were on fire, or like a very murderous young woman was trying to turn them into powder with her bare hands while equally dangerous looking friend with the hair that would not look out of place in a manga, watched. So the bullies had been run off. And Tatsuki had been sufficiently calmed. Ichigo had then bought her a cup of her favourite shaved ice ( _strawberry and cherry, he still remembers somehow_ ) and sits down in the park they had long since outgrown and tries to explain to her that no, he wasn’t trying to lead her best friend on and even if he had a crush on her, it would have been a moot point because Ishida had somehow managed to charm his way into Orihime’s heart, perhaps through scintillating conversations about Sewing Aliens who loved Chocolate Beef Stew. Tatsuki and scoffed out a surprised laugh at the thought, and had punched him on the shoulder. Ichigo had taken it for what it was, an apology. And that was that. The two childhood friends had then finished their ice, and had continued talking about everything and nothing. About the past three years and how graduation was around the corner. They talked about Aizen and Ywach and the Shinigami and the Quincies. They talked about his mom and the Dojo and how she used to bake the best cookies and how Ichigo used to cling to her every day after Karate class, basking in her affection. They spoke about the War. The one against Aizen, and the one against the Quincies. And Ichigo hadn’t been surprised when Tatsuki had cursed and cursed and then had looked at him with new-found resolve after he’d told her the entire story of Orihime being captured, and held hostage in Hueco Mundo. And Tatsuki hadn’t been surprised either, when after hours of talking about the war, Ichigo had gone silent, staring at the sky. He’d had an indescribable weight to him, something that was awfully strange on a boy of eighteen ( _“I’m not- I’m not eighteen, Tatsuki. I spent a long time outside my body, and Goat Face told me that I’m closer to twenty than I am to eighteen” and Tatsuki had felt a moment of grief for her childhood friend. He’d lost so many things in the wars he’d fought, and maybe losing his teenage years wasn’t so important. But Tatsuki thinks that it was yet another thing that Ichigo had been forced to sacrifice because of the machinations of men who wanted to be Gods_ ). Once Ichigo was done talking, he’d looked at Tatsuki, as if he was waiting for her to speak. And so she did. She tells him about her everything that had happened in Karakura while he’d been fighting their battles for them all. She told him about how her Mom and Dad had been thinking of having another baby, and something about her disgruntled expression must have made Ichigo laugh. And just like that, they were okay again. A decade of distance and stilted conversation couldn’t very well be covered in a day but they’d made more progress in three hours than they had in three years. And just when they were about to leave, because the Sun was setting and their friends were probably worried about them, thinking that they might have bitten each other’s head off or something like that, they were stopped by a large bird. Which sat on Ichigo’s head. And Tatsuki probably should have been trying to shoo the large owl away, except Ichigo was slowly turning red, and she decided that while she’d forgiven him for keeping her out of the loop for so long, some pranking was in order. Which is why, the next morning as Ichigo stumbled down the stairs, still more than half asleep and managed to drag himself to school, all the while wondering why he needed to go if he’d finished with his tests and exams, he was faced with the rather unusual sight of his classmates looking at him with a strange look in their eyes. And wait… Were they- _giggling_?!

Of course they were, because Tatsuki, his dear friend Tatsuki, had decided to string up the photos she took yesterday of the large brown owl perched on his hair all around the classroom. There were, _oh God_ , there were dozens of the photos. And Ichigo had never been a vain person, but fucking hell, he looked like a clown. And the very amused laughter from Orihime, _even sweet sweet Orihime who’d never laughed at his misery_ , and Ishida and Chad! He knew he’d never be able to live this down ever. But he looked over at his friends and how their eyes were crinkled with the hints of honest laughter and he let himself chuckle too. He’d never tell Tatsuki, but it was a good prank. Of course, he’d get her back sooner or later, and he could hear Zangetsu (that he now referred to his hollow by the name he’d called the old man for so long, was still a strange kind of shock to him) agree with way too much enthusiasm on that.

Ichigo Kurosaki was a lot of things, but he wasn’t a coward. Which is why he’d stop trying to hide from who he was now. A tired young man who’d seen way too much pain and suffering and grief, but was finally back where he belonged. With his friends, with his family. He sat down, and grabs a sputtering Keigo into a headlock. There were only a few days left for high school to end. And hell if he won’t enjoy it as much as he can.

Later, during lunch, they are all sitting on the roof as usual, goofing around and talking when Mizuiro brings up the topic about the bird again. He can hear Tatsuki snicker and swears once again that he’d get her back before the end of the week.

 

“Ichigo, what about the letter?”

Ichigo was confused. He hadn’t received a letter from anyone. For a moment he wondered whether his friend had been asking him about letters from Soul Society. But his line of thought was proven false by Orihime, who’d stopped making heart eyes at Ishida log enough to ask him another question. (How Tatsuki thought Ichigo and Orihime were dating when they literally were joined at the hip, or as Ichigo had the misfortune to walk in on a few times, at the lip, was beyond him.)

 

“That’s right Ichigo-kun. The owl had a letter in its claws” Here, Orihime made a vague impression of an owl holding out her fingers like talons and Ishida was slowly turning into a tomato. Hah. The first Tomato-Quincy hybrid- Ishida Uryuu. He would make fun of his friend/cousin later.

But Ichigo suddenly realized what Orihime was asking, and looked at Tatsuki for confirmation. But neither of them had noticed anything, too caught up in making it go away.

Which is why, they were looking at the cheap, pixelated photos that Tatsuki had printed out for any hints of a letter. Ichigo doesn’t know why they were doing this save to satisfy their own curiosity, but they were all getting frustrated at the lack of any comprehensible idea of what that white thing in the owl’s talons could be.

And when they’d been grabbing food at a nearby ramen shop the next day, laughing over Tatsuki’s new bright pink hair, courtesy of Ichigo bribing ( _threatening to hand over to Yuzu_ ) Kon to sneak into the locker rooms and replacing her shampoo with the temporary hair dye that he’d bought from Urahara, Ichigo had only let out an annoyed grunt at how the Universe seemed to have it out for him because there was another owl, just as big as the first one, but this time a beautiful grey shade, sweeping into the shop and nearly giving his friends a heart attack. Uryuu had nearly shot the damn bird in fright. Except it had left as soon as it had come, only dropping a letter in Ichigo’s lap. It looked like it was made out of very tick old paper, not unlike the parchment he’d seen in Soul Society Archives that he’d been dragged into by-

Well, that wasn’t important. What was important was the really old looking letter that the bird had conveniently dropped into his lap. His friends looked curious, and he couldn’t lie. He was too. It was just that years of getting into trouble unwittingly had given him a sixth sense for trouble, and this letter practically screamed that. Something told Ichigo that he’d be dragged into even more unnecessary trouble if he opened the damn letter, but when had Ichigo ever run away from trouble.

With steady hands he opens the envelope, which was sealed with wax and who even does that anymore except maybe the Gotei and the Central 46? Maybe it was a missive from Soul Society and they’d run out of Hell Butterflies or something like that. Damn if he knew what the R&D department got up to in its free time.

Except the letter was written entirely in English and was addressed to one Ichigo Shiba, and that was a name nobody in the living world knew. He briefly considered this to be one of Urahara’s jokes, but he could sense no reiatsu from the letter and the owl had seemed like a normal living bird. Not to say that Urahara wouldn’t actually go to the troubles of hiring an owl to play a prank on him, it’s just that the scientist had been living in soul society since the war to assist in rebuilding efforts. Which effectively meant that it was either his dad or his friends. And his Dad was smart, true. But Toushiro had ranted about how the man couldn’t speak English for shit and how he’d managed to mess up international relations once by not reading the necessary documents, when he’d gone to visit Rukia and Renji last month and had accidentally mentioned his father to the shorter captain. Which left him out. And his friends knew how much he hated pranks. And the only one in the group who knew English was Ishida, and he’d been genuinely surprised by the owl’s sudden appearance.

That meant that Ichigo had received an honest to God letter via owl. Written entirely in English, addressed to his real name which only a handful of people knew. And just like that, his shackles were raised and he knew from the stoic expression on Uryuu’s face, that so were his. Chad and Orihime looked pensive while the rest looked curious. Only Tatsuki, who knew his real name, looked worried. The implications of a third party from the Living World knowing his name was not lost on any of them. Uryuu nudged him, telling him to read the letter.

Huh.

Magic.

It seems his instincts were right. This _was_ trouble after all.

Maybe he’d go see Rukia. It had been a month since he’d seen them after all.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 


	2. Musings, Red Heads and the Possibility of becoming Bird Feed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Decisions are made, and letters are written. Sure, he might get killed by one (or two) animal loving midgets, but orders are orders.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Helooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo  
> IM SO SORRY FOR THE EXTREMELY LONG WAIT.   
> Tbh, I've been trying really hard to get this chapter written. But my mental state hasnt been one that is very conducive to something like this (there was a death in the family but thats not something I'm gonna rant about dw)   
> ANYWAYS. Here's chapter two of the fic. I hope you give it lots of love, despite how bad I am with keeping update related promises.   
> IM SORRY OKAY.   
> Ill try harder next time around.   
> Love ya and enjoooy!

**Two: Musings, Red Heads and the Possibility Of Becoming Bird Feed**

                                                                                                                                                          

When Rukia heard about what had happened she’d apparently started laughing and hadn’t stopped even when her brother had glared at her. Or that’s what an incredulous Renji told Ichigo when they met up after briefing the captains. And Rukia. Who’d evidently been told about the entire thing by one of his (traitorous) friends.  And Ichigo would bet his soon to be non- existent sex life on that fact.

And of course, Kyoraku had told him with little space to dispute that he’d be going on a “mission” and he had the strangest feeling that this was all just a very well made plan to get him out of their hair and not barge into Soul Society every three weeks like he’d been doing since the war had ended. And Ichigo could wager a guess on who exactly had come up with the plan. His name rhymed with drakuya and started with a b.

But Rukia had told him later that it had been a unanimous decision, and Ichigo couldn’t help but allow that little curl of hurt to wrap around his heart. Because, somewhere along the way he’d started seeing the little motley crew of soul reapers as something of an extended family. And when it all got too much, he’d started running to soul society. Because despite everything, the number of times he explained things to Tatsuki or his sisters or Keigo, they hadn’t lived through the entire war like he had. And Chad and Orihime and Uryuu, they were all trying so hard to move on from everything, pretend that they were okay, that they hadn’t fought and killed and shed blood. Ichigo had tried, he swears. But somehow, the words got stuck in his mouth every time he tried telling them.

And the thing was, he knew exactly how they’d all react. Uryuu would probably stay silent, and Ichigo knew that under those hard planes of his face, there was underlying worry. He’d probably tell him to see a doctor.  Orihime, she’d probably look at him with those large grey eyes. She’d tell him that she understood, and that they were all there for him. That he wasn’t alone.  Chad would do the same, in his own wonderful way. But Ichigo knew, and they knew too, that this was a lonely journey. Each of them had been damaged by the wars they’d fought in. They all had scars, and Ichigo thinks that the large scar from where he’d been impaled by Ulquoirra was probably the one that took the least time to heal. That there were multitudes that were just hiding under the carefully constructed mask he’d been wearing for what seemed like years now. And that if he though to delve in now, he’d probably never make it back out with whatever sanity he had left.

The War had taken the little traumatised shell of a person he’d been after the whole Aizen incident, and had wrung out every possible positive emotion he had left, and what had been left was something laughable. Barely human. Sure, Ichigo still smirked and scowled and had a permanent frown on his face that was sure to leave a permanent mark. But where these emotions had been tools to show his utter angst at the world, tools that his 14 year old self had perfected to a T, now they were little more than automatic reactions to everything around him. His Dad made a lame joke? Ichigo would scowl. Karin said something about his scowl? He’d scoff harder. Keigo did something dumb for the nth time? He’d scowl really hard and hope that everyone would think he had an opinion about it. But the thing is, he didn’t. Ichigo knew he was just drifting at this point. Maybe he should get some sort of help (he’d used his Dad’s computer for something or the other that day, and the tab that read PTSD in bold letters seemed like it was mocking Ichigo, and yet he hadn’t been very insulted at the idea that his Dad felt he was sick, it was true after all), but what deterred him was the idea that he’d have to talk to a person who had no idea why he was so fucking traumatised, because how could Ichigo possibly tell her about Hollows and a Death God who wanted to take over the world, and how he’d helped saved the world, save all the worlds, at a very tender age of 15 and hadn’t stopped since? So he’d stayed clear of that path. Instead he did what he did best these days. He’d run to Soul Society, where everyone had been touched by the tendrils of war intimately, even if it was in passing. He’d meditate or fight or sometimes fuck the frustration out, and more often than not Renji was the willing and eager partner in two out the three activities. Sometimes Ikkaku and Yumichika would join, and it would turn into either a massive multiple combatant spar or a very, very satisfying threesome.

Ikkaku never joined, he said he only liked to watch And sure, Ichigo had found it strange how he’d just sit there and stare intently as the three of them writhed and moaned and groaned on whatever available surface they were on, but Ichigo had seen the way Yumichika looked back at Ikkaku and he thinks he understands, that sure it wasn’t Ikkaku who had Yumichika moaning around his cock, but there was something all the more intimate between the both of them. (Besides, Ichigo was a teenager fucking two soul reapers who were decades older than him to forget about his mental scars and he thinks he’d not in the place to judge other people, really)  

But Ichigo had somehow managed so far, and he’d genuinely thought that there had been something not-quite-platonic brewing between him and Renji. Maybe he’d been grossly over estimating how invested Renji had been in this whole thing. Maybe Renji still liked Rukia. But Ichigo thinks about the quiet fondness in the others eye every time he though Ichigo wasn’t looking, and thinks that the maybes were just that, brief possibilities that would never bear fruit. But none of that changed the fact that Renji hadn’t objected when the Soutaichou had declared that Ichigo would leave for the strange land across the oceans, where the tendrils of war had never reached, and Ichigo couldn’t help but feel like a castoff. He knows that nobody thought of him that way, nobody important at least. Even Byakuya with all of his not really inaudible grumbling had a healthy dose of respect for him. But respect didn’t automatically translate into ‘ I want you here every three weeks when everyone and their mom knows you don’t belong here, not anymore’. Ichigo knew all of this, he just wasn’t too happy about it.

Which is exactly what he tells Renji.

 

Renji had been busy licking a bruise into his clavicle, and he hadn’t heard Ichigo the first time, maybe because he was moaning and the last part of the question had been swallowed in quiet gasps.

“Do-do you really _hnnng_ want me to go _aaAh..”_  Renji takes a very hard nipple into his mouth. And hums. Ichigo, of course lets out a quiet moan which  turns into a louder moan when Renji takes his cock into his hands and _strokes_ _and good lord how does something so simple feel so damn good?_  

And then Renji was leaning down, his red hair positively cascading over his shoulder after Ichigo had torn his hair tie in a bout of frustrated passion. And Ichigo thinks that he could easily fall in love with this man, with all of his tattoos and his lame puns and his sense of fashion that belongs in the 70’s. He could have fallen in love with him so, so easily. And it wouldn’t have felt any different. But Renji never really gave him a chance, now did he. And now, he doubts that he will get a chance anytime soon. He’d leave for England within a month, and he knows that things won’t really be the same. It’s been a long time since he’s had a life outside of soul society, outside of Renji. And he thinks that he won’t really change, but he also knows that the possibility of their dynamics changing is too high for him to just ignore it and pretend otherwise. For now, he’ll just enjoy whatever time he has with the other.

Renji takes him into his mouth and Ichigo loses all his other thoughts.                                      

 

(It really was a pity, that he never got the chance to love Renji. It would have been wonderful, they would have been wonderful. Pity, really)

 

The next day, Ichigo writes back.

 

**_To the Headmaster of Hogwarts,_ **

**_I must admit that I’m still confused about the whole magic thing you wrote to me about, and you must understand that I’ve not been told by any one in my family that I have magic. Besides, I do not understand half of the things you’ve written to me about. I just finished high school, and I don’t know if you knew that, or had taken that into account._ **

**_That being said, I accept your offer._ **

**_P.S: If you could explain this whole magical universe- magical school thing it’d be really great. You could just send some videos or something, if you have anything like that. I’d appreciate it. Also how do I get to this school? Do you provide transport facilities, or should I arrange my own?_ **

**_Kindly get back to me._ **

**_Thanking You,_ **

**_Kurosaki Ichigo_ **

****

After writing the letter, he went to the park and just stood around for a while. He didn’t really know how this whole owl mail thing worked, so he hoped that an owl would just turn up in front of him. But it had been nearly half an hour and he’d had no luck. Tatsuki, who’d joined him, was just cackling away at the sight of a scowling Ichigo holding bird feed and a letter, and there were at least two kids who had pointed and laughed. Just when Ichigo was about to throw away the goddamn letter, fully convinced that this was in fact a prank, a large brown owl sweeps up and lands of the jungle bar rung. The owl looked really annoyed, and Ichigo could understand that perfectly well really. After managing to somehow give the owl the assorted bird treats he had with him, it takes the letter in its talons and hoots, giving him what looked like a major stink eye. That too, Ichigo could understand. Then again, he wasn’t being made to fly all the way to England to send a poorly worded message. (At that thought, he was vaguely horrified because how was the poor bird expected to fly thousands of kilometres with a letter in its talons; Yuzu would have a fit at the idea of animal cruelty!)But the bird was nowhere to be seen by then, and Ichigo had to live with the thought that if Yuzu (or Rukia for that matter) ever found out what he’d done, he’d be hung, drawn and possibly quartered and then made into bird feed. That smug owl would enjoy it too, he thinks.  

Since his fate had already been decided, Ichigo (and a still cackling Tatsuki) made their way back home.

Now, he waits.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So that was the chapter. Its shorter than I wanted it to be. But I promised y'all a chapter. Pls drop in the comments if you have any suggestions or anything. The RenIchi thing was completely unplanned but it made sense to me. Next chapter onwards, we'll get to meet the HP characters uwu!   
> Also, the updates atleast for the next few chapters aren't going to be very scheduled. But that being said, I'll do my best to update the chapters as fast as possible. I WILL FINISH THIS FIC I SWEAR! And thankyou all for all the love for the last chapter. Im really honoured that people read my stuff.   
> Now byeeeeeee :*

**Author's Note:**

> AAAAAND thats it for the first chapter. How do you like it so far? Feel free to reach out to me at my twitter handle. You can find me at @abae___
> 
> HOPE YOU ENJOYED IT. SEEYA NEXT WEEK!!!!!


End file.
